How it works
Four short steps, at your teen's pace
Nothing here decides anything for your teen, and they can change all of it. You move alongside, not out in front.
The short version
- 1. Find your direction. Your teen answers about ten minutes of questions and gets a few kinds of work worth a closer look.
- 2. Compare your options. A few paths go side by side, and your teen scores each one on what matters most to them.
- 3. Try before you commit. Your teen tries one small, real thing they can walk away from, then the two of you check in on what they found out.
- 4. Make a plan together. All of it goes onto a one-page plan with the next small step, who they'll check in with, and a date.
The decisions are your teen's. Your part is to keep the pressure low and help when they ask.
Where is your teen right now?
There's more than one kind of stuck, and each kind needs different help. Find the words that sound most like your teen, and start at the stage in that row. Each stage is explained further down the page. Some teens fit more than one row. Lena's story in Five families shows how to take a mix like that apart, one piece at a time. If no row fits and your teen is up for it, start at stage B.
- "I don't care." "Not now, there's too much going on." "Leave me alone."Not ready to talk about itStart at stage A (lower the pressure), and see what you can do on your own.The shrugNot nowLeave me alone
- "Fine." Or nothing at all, just a nod or a change of subject.Not saying muchStart at stage A (lower the pressure) for now. "Fine" and silence don't tell you yet which kind of stuck this is. When your teen says more, look for their words in another row.The shrug
- "I'm not going back." "It wasn't what I thought." Left college or a training program early, or quit a job.Started something, then stoppedStart at stage F (check in together) and ask what they found out. Then go to stage D, where they try one thing they can walk away from.People who changed course
- "I don't know what I like." "It'll just work out." "Where do I even start?"Missing informationStart at stage B (find your direction), then compare options at stage C. After that, help them try something out to fill in what they still don't know.I don't know what I likeWhere do I even start?
- "I just need to look at a few more." "I like everything." Stuck between two for weeks.Too many good optionsStart at stage C (compare your options) to narrow the list. If two paths stay tied, the complete guide has a way to break the tie.Too many good options
- "What if I pick wrong?" A new plan every week. Shuts down when it comes up. "Everyone else has it figured out."Worry is in the wayStart at stage A (lower the pressure), then help them pick something small to try. This kind takes longer to ease. If the worry shows up in most choices, not just this one, a school or career counselor can help.Afraid of picking wrongWorry is running it
- "You pick." "Whatever makes you happy." "I'll go where my friends go." "The family needs me."Choosing with other people in mindHelping family or going where a friend goes can be a fair reason. Whatever your teen picks should still move them forward and build something for themselves while they help others. Ask whose reasons these are, then offer a next step, not the answer."You pick"Friends set the paceStaying close
- "I'm going to [the path you dread]." Two homes, or two parents, who see it differently.A disagreement at homeTalk about what each of you cares about (cost, time to earning, distance from home) instead of the path's name.A path you're worried aboutTwo homesTwo homes that agree
- "I've always known." "I'm going pro." "I'll just work for a while." Says yes, then nothing moves.An answer that hasn't been testedSay out loud that you back the plan. Then start at stage D (try before you commit) with something that tests that path itself, and use stage H to make a plan together and keep it moving.An answer nobody's testedA yes that isn't movingWhatever pays the most
- "That's not for people like us." "We can't afford it." "I'm not smart enough." "What's the point?"Ruling things out before lookingStart at stage C (compare your options). Nothing gets crossed off until a real number, a real person, or something your teen checks for themselves answers what they didn't know.Not for people like usI'm not good enoughWhat's the point?
- "I didn't get in." "I got cut."Something fell throughStart at stage A (lower the pressure) for a few days, then go to stage C and compare what's still open.My plan fell through
- Low or irritable about most things lately, not just this: less time with friends, less interest in things they used to enjoy, changes in sleep or eating.More than a stuck decisionStart with your teen's school counselor. The decision can wait. If school's out or your teen has graduated, call the school or district office and ask who can help over the break, or reach another trained professional you trust. When it's not going smoothly lists the signs and what to tell the counselor.
The details
Each stage below says what your teen does and what your part is.
The whole map, for parents
Stages B, C, D and H on the map are your teen's four steps in the tool, 1 to 4 below. Around them are the parts that are yours. The middle is a loop: try something, check in, try again, until a path holds.
Stage A on the map, before step 1. You lead this part.
Lower the pressure
- Steady yourself first. Talk your worry over with a partner or a friend instead of your teen, and ask yourself whether this is about their next step or about your own worry.
- Then one easy invitation they can turn down, like a walk or a drive. Say once that the door is open, then let it rest.
- Keep showing up, and every couple of weeks bring it up again, lightly, on a calm day, not the day after a fight.
- Once your teen has picked something small to try, hold firm on the date, never on the path. If a real deadline is coming, check that it's a good moment, say it once, and attach one small step (some doors have dates).
1Stage B on the map
Find your direction
It starts with your teen, not with a plan.
It starts with about ten minutes of questions. Your teen says whether they already have a path in mind, what gives them energy, and what they've actually done and how it went. Then they rate everyday things like fixing something or teaching someone, one card at a time. Not having tried one yet is a fine answer. They pick what kind of work sounds good and answer a few questions about their situation, like when they need to earn. Whether they do it alone, with you, or with someone else is their pick.
Out of it comes a picture built from their own answers, with a few kinds of work worth a closer look. Each one says why it came up and ends with one small thing to try. Most show two ways in that take different amounts of training. All 14 paths stay a tap away.
In the tool, your teen's answers point to kinds of work, not to paths. Every path can come up, and none is ranked, so no answer is a vote for or against college or any other path. We test that on thousands of made-up sets of answers.
If nothing stands out yet, your teen gets a few small things to try instead. After that, there are optional extras: what matters most to them and what they're good at, including a values card sort that Compare your options uses. The U.S. Department of Labor's free Interest Profiler is a related tool your teen can also try.
If your teen has an IEP (Individualized Education Program), the transition planning meetings are a good place to work on this step and the next two, with the school's help (When your family's situation is different). Ask whether your teen can lead their own planning meeting, then step back so they do the talking.
2Stage C on the map
Compare your options
When there are a few paths worth weighing, your teen lays them side by side against their own values, in their own words.
They cross off the clear no's and keep two to four. Their top values become the yardsticks, and they slide each one to set how much it counts. Then they score each path from 1 to 5 on each yardstick, or mark it not sure with a "?", and the tool turns that into a score out of 100 for each path (when your teen is weighing two or more). A "?" stays until a real number or a real person answers it.
Two paths count as basically tied when the gap between them is smaller than what one rating point is worth on the yardstick that counts most, usually 7 to 10 points out of 100. A gap that small could come from a single rating going one way or the other. Where a path's ratings differ, the tool also names its strongest and weakest yardstick.
If the numbers don't match your teen's gut, they can pick their own lean and write down why, and that goes on their one-page plan. Whether it goes on a printed or shared copy is up to them.
The step ends with one optional question about the top two paths, any that are tied, and your teen's own lean: "Picture yourself at 80, looking back. If you never tried one of these, which would bug you most?"
When cost or how soon your teen would earn is one of their yardsticks, the tool fills in a starting guess from what's usual for each path, and your teen can change it. Everything else is your teen's to score, because the values doing the weighing are theirs, not ours.
3Stage D on the map
Try before you commit
A stuck decision is often a standoff over a future no one has actually seen yet.
One good way to learn something about it is a small, real thing your teen can try and then walk away from: a day shadowing someone, one class, a short stint, a conversation with a person already doing the work. Each try stays small, with a when, a where, and someone to check in with. The one-page plan asks your teen to write down that first try and offers a few of these to pick from. Read the stories of people who changed course.
When your teen asks, help with the looking: go along, tell them what the work is really like day to day, and introduce people you know who do it. Don't take it over, and don't drift away from it either. Before anything that asks for money or a signature, check the basics.
After a try:
- E. Step back: a think weekend (optional, your teen leads). A walk, an afternoon, or a weekend somewhere calm. Nothing gets decided there. Plan a think weekend
- F. Check in together. On the date you agreed, ask: what did you find out? The answer is keep looking, drop it, or not sure yet. Then it's another try, a step back, or on to deciding. How to run the check-in
- G. Your teen decides. When one path keeps landing on the keep pile and still fits what matters most, they write it down. It can still change later. A few steps bind (a deposit you may not get back, a signed contract, an early-decision application, a loan), so read those together first. An application that doesn't bind keeps a door open while the tries go on. When two paths stay tied
4Stage H on the map
Make a plan together
The last step turns all of it into a one-page plan you can both point to.
The page lists where they're headed, the next step with a when and a where, who they'll check in with, and the date. See an example plan.
The decision and the steps are your teen's to write down. You can sit side by side for the paperwork, and the choices stay theirs.
Your one part in this step is to set the date of the next check-in. When it comes, your teen says what they noticed and picks the next step: something else to try, or a step toward the path itself, like an application or a start date.
The guides help with the talks around it.
Around all of it
- Another sounding board: an adult your teen trusts and picks.
- The off-ramp: a school counselor, at any point.
- If something falls through, back to stage A for a few days.
- After a bad talk, back to stage A for a day or two (When a talk goes badly).
The plan, step by step has each stage with what you can do and the research behind it.
Five families walks through these stages in five stories, each told by a parent and a teen.
The thinking behind this
There's no "best path for your kid" in here. The ideas the steps lean on are below, each credited to the researcher or writer behind it, so you can check the source instead of taking our word for it.
What we lean on
Undecided at 18 is normal
If your teen hasn't figured it out, the psychologist Jeffrey Arnett has a name for where they are: emerging adulthood, roughly ages 18 to 25, which he described as a normal stretch of exploring and trying things on before committing. So a teen who's undecided at 18 usually isn't behind, even in November, when every relative at the table asks what they're doing next year. Plenty of people aren't settled then, and the developmental research treats that as expected. This doesn't license drifting forever, but the science doesn't back the pressure to lock in a lifelong plan by senior spring.
Explore by doing, not by waiting
The waiting that costs something is waiting with no goal and no end date. The psychologist Meg Jay, who wrote The Defining Decade, makes the case that the twenties matter more than people think, and that real moves in those years add up. She calls the result identity capital: things your teen does that add to who they are and who they might want to be next. A summer job, one class, and a conversation with someone already in the field are all moves like that.
Liking the work can grow with skill
The advice to "follow your passion" sounds kind, but it assumes a ready-made calling is sitting there waiting to be found. Cal Newport, in So Good They Can't Ignore You, argues that the love of the work usually follows getting good at it. Your teen doesn't need a calling to begin, only a real skill to build, in a trade, a job, or a field, and interest tends to grow with competence. That's why Find your direction asks what leaves your teen absorbed and recharged, which is something they can notice now.
Why we ask about age 80
In a 1995 review, "The experience of regret: What, when, and why" (Psychological Review), the psychologists Thomas Gilovich and Victoria Husted Medvec found that people regret what they did more in the short run, and what they didn't do more over the long run. Two recent repeat studies found that pattern weaker than first reported (Yeung and Feldman, 2022; Richardson and Gilovich, 2023), and in the larger one, with about 2,600 people, long-run regrets split about evenly. So the age-80 question at the end of Compare your options doesn't predict regret. We use it to help your teen notice what they'd be sorry never to have tried among the top paths they're weighing.