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Their Next Chapter is a site for parents and teens working out what comes after high school. If you're new here, start with how it works.

What you might be hearing

When your teen says something about next year and you're not sure what to do with it, find their words below. Each entry tells you what might be under them, how to check, and one move you can try this week.

The short version

Find the words your teen used this week in the list below, and start with that entry.

Each entry is a situation your teen is in right now. None of them is a type of teen, and your teen can be in more than one.

The words to try are examples. Put them in your own voice.

If you've already said some of what's under Avoid, "Leave me alone" shows how to start fresh.

If you're the teen reading this: your parent may be reading this page. Each entry opens with something a teen might say, and none of it is a verdict on you. If one sounds like you, point your parent to it. If none does, tell them that too.

Jump to what you're hearing:

The shrug

You might hear: "I don't care." "Whatever." "It doesn't matter what I do." A shrug with no reasons and no heat.

What can be under it: They may not know yet. In one study of Quebec college students around 17, about half hadn't settled on a career (Guay and colleagues, 2006). A shrug can also hold the question at a distance, and underneath there may be doubt they'd be any good, no energy left for it, nothing that appeals yet, or the feeling of being pushed.

How to tell: Ask once what's under it, and listen. "I'd be bad at all of it" is doubt. "I don't have the energy" is a teen who's worn down, and "None of it sounds like me" means nothing appeals yet. A shrug that mostly shows up when you raise the subject may be about feeling pushed. If they're irritable and worn out, check on sleep before you read any of it as not caring.

Your move: Start by agreeing with what's true: not knowing yet at 17 is common. Reflect it back rather than arguing, and expect more "I don't care" at first. Doubt calls for something to try that nobody grades. For a worn-out teen, offer to handle rides and forms, and leave the choosing to them. When nothing appeals yet, start from what they already like now, and when they feel pushed, give the topic a rest and keep spending time together. Keep any ask small, like 20 minutes and one path, and keep your warmth the same whatever they say.

Words to try:

Avoid: Calling it an excuse, or calling them lazy. Arguing them into caring, or a scare line like "you'll end up with nothing." Comparisons with friends or siblings. Going cold after a shrug. Doing the exploring or the choosing for them.

When to bring in someone else: If the not-caring has spread past this decision, into sleep, friends and the things they used to enjoy, start with your teen's school counselor. The decision can wait. When it's not going smoothly lists the signs.

Not now

You might hear: "Not now, there's too much going on." "Ask me after the season." Said calmly, and the topic keeps sliding.

What can be under it: A real load: school and a sport, sometimes a job the family counts on. In a 2013 survey of US teens aged 13 to 17, 83% said school was a source of stress (American Psychological Association, 2014). "I'll figure it out later" can also be worry about picking wrong.

How to tell: You can ask which it is, as long as either answer is fine to give. A real load has a name: the season, finals, their shifts at work. When "later" never gets a date, worry may be part of it.

Your move: Agree the load is real. Then ask for one short slot before the busy stretch ends: 20 minutes, one path, and your teen picks the day, the place and the path. If worry is part of it, name it, and keep the next step small and reversible.

Words to try:

Avoid: Arguing about how busy they really are. Asking for an update every few days. Using a deadline as a threat.

Waiting on purpose: Waiting can be a real decision too. A planned wait has a reason behind it, a way to pay for it if it costs money, a date to look again, and one small thing kept going in the meantime. "After graduation" with nothing before it is putting it off. Waiting on news that has a date, an acceptance or a tryout result, is fair when the news could change the pick.

Some doors have dates: If any kind of school is on the list, the FAFSA (Free Application for Federal Student Aid) for next fall opens in the fall of senior year, and some state and school aid runs out, so filing early is worth it (Federal Student Aid). College applications, apprenticeship rounds, service-year start dates and service academies have deadlines of their own. Many paths stay open after graduation, community college and enlisting among them. Before you raise a date, check that it's a good moment, then say it once, with one small step attached.

When to bring in someone else: The school counselor can tell you which dates matter for your teen. If the tiredness has spread past this decision, into sleep, friends and the things they used to enjoy, start with your teen's school counselor. The decision can wait. When it's not going smoothly lists the signs.

"Leave me alone"

You might hear: "Stop telling me what to do." "I'm not discussing this." Leaving the room, or a fight, whenever the topic comes up.

What can be under it: Pushing back after feeling pushed. Teens and young adults who saw their parents as controlling felt more pressured and pushed back more (Van Petegem and colleagues, 2015, ages 12 to 21, mostly correlational). Sometimes there's also a path they already lean toward and expect you to dislike.

How to tell: Notice when it flares. If it comes after reminders, deadlines and comparisons, and eases when you back off, that's pushback against the pressure. Hints at a plan, plus bristling at any talk of risk, can mean a path they think you won't like (see A path you're worried about). After one bad talk rather than a pattern, When a talk goes badly fits better: a day or two, then reopen small.

Your move: Stop, own your part, and say out loud that you're giving the topic a break. Keep everyday contact warm and about other things. If you've been pushing for a while, open with a plain apology that asks for nothing, and save any ask, even a deadline, for another day. Keep the apology short. In a study of French-speaking Canadian teens around 16, a plain apology landed as well as a longer one, and adding a "but" and your reasons made it land no better than no apology at all (Robichaud and colleagues, 2025, an experiment with imagined apologies).

Words to try:

Avoid: Lectures, ultimatums, and "we need to talk." An apology with a "but," one that turns into a pitch, or one that comes with a deadline attached.

When to bring in someone else: If talk at home has frozen, another adult your teen trusts can be another sounding board for them. Another sounding board for your teen covers how to ask. If the anger has spread past this decision, into sleep, friends and the things they used to enjoy, start with your teen's school counselor. The decision can wait. When it's not going smoothly lists the signs.

"I don't know what I like"

You might hear: "I don't know what I like." "I'll know it when I find it." A blank on interest quizzes, or only the few jobs they've seen up close.

What can be under it: Too little experience to react to. Interests are still changing in the late teens (Hoff and colleagues, 2018), and a blank page makes it harder. Business-school students choosing a school or an internship left out nearly half of what mattered to them on a first list, then spotted the rest on a full one (Bond and colleagues, 2008). Some teens are also waiting for a quiz or a counselor to name the answer.

How to tell: A teen who's bothered by it but still poking at things is short on experience. "It'll work out" while they're trying things is healthy openness. The same words while nothing happens, or asking again and again for a test to tell them, mean they're waiting for the answer to arrive. Not bothered at all fits The shrug.

Your move: Stop asking the big open question. Give them things to react to instead: a list, a day somewhere, a person to talk with. Find your direction, the first step of the tool, works this way. It asks what they've actually done, then has them react to everyday things one at a time. Nothing standing out yet is a fair result there, and the step still ends with a few small things to try. After that, help them try two or three different kinds of work, and agree up front how long a fair try lasts.

Words to try:

Avoid: "You must have some idea." Filling the silence with your own picks. Treating a quiz result as a verdict.

When to bring in someone else: A school or career counselor can help, as a guide to the process rather than someone who'll name the answer. If a low mood has spread past this decision, into sleep, friends and the things they used to enjoy, start with your teen's school counselor. The decision can wait. When it's not going smoothly lists the signs.

"Where do I even start?"

You might hear: "There's too much." "Nobody in our family has done this." "I don't even know what these forms are." A search site opened and closed again.

What can be under it: Not knowing the steps, or where to find them out, and not feeling sure they could do them. When nobody in the family has done this before, the gap at home is real.

How to tell: A single question tells you which: "If someone handled the steps, would you know what you want to look at?" A yes means the gap is the process. A no means they need to work out what matters first, and the values sort in the tool covers that. It's offered after the first questions and again before comparing.

Your move: Shrink it to one next step, and do that step together: sit with them for the form, be there while they book the counselor meeting, go along if they ask. When tax preparers helped low- and moderate-income families fill in the FAFSA, more filed it and enrolled in college, while aid information alone didn't change filing (Bettinger and colleagues, 2012). That study was about college. We suggest the same side-by-side help for any path's paperwork.

Words to try:

Avoid: Dumping lists and links, or counting on reminders. Pretending to know the process.

When to bring in someone else: The school counselor, early. Go in with one clear question, like "Who here knows the most about apprenticeships?", and ask about every path on your teen's list. If a TRIO or GEAR UP program serves your teen's school, ask about it too. Both are federal programs that help students get ready for education after high school. TRIO serves students from lower-income families, students whose parents don't have a four-year degree, and students with disabilities. GEAR UP works with students at lower-income schools. Outside school, your local American Job Center can tell you about youth programs and whether your teen qualifies. An adult who's done what your teen is curious about can be another sounding board for them, and Another sounding board for your teen covers how to ask.

Too many good options

You might hear: "I just need to look at a few more." "I like everything." Or stuck between two for weeks, arguing each side in turn.

What can be under it: A search for something better that never ends. Two good options at once can stall them too: in studies with students, mostly about made-up choices, adding a second good option made more people put off choosing (Tversky and Shafir, 1992). So can values that haven't been ranked yet.

How to tell: Have them say what the best one would have that these don't. A real answer is a yardstick worth adding, and no answer points to the search itself. Then ask whether anything on the next visit could change the pick. If nothing could, more research has stopped helping. People often chase facts that wouldn't change their choice, then let those facts sway it (Bastardi and Shafir, 1998, made-up scenarios).

Your move: Ask them to name the three things that matter most, then cap the list: a new option gets on only by bumping one off. When two stay close, start with the gut, then ask whether any one fact still out there would change the pick. If not, they choose the one they'll stand behind and give it a fair run until the next check-in.

Words to try:

Avoid: "Have you looked at..." A third option when they're stuck on two. Casting the deciding vote.

When to bring in someone else: If the searching comes with worry across most choices, or costs sleep or schoolwork for weeks, see Worry is running it. For the tie itself, When two paths stay tied walks through the steps.

Afraid of picking wrong

You might hear: "What if I hate it?" "If I mess this up, that's it." "What if I waste a whole year?" Or a new plan every week: vet tech on Monday, welding on Thursday, a service year by the weekend.

What can be under it: A belief that this one choice decides their whole life, a dislike of not knowing, or fear of committing or of regret. A new plan every week can be healthy exploring or a loop of the same worries.

How to tell: When small choices are hard too, see Worry is running it. With a plan that keeps changing, ask what's new. A switch that comes with something they learned, a class, a person or a shift at work, is exploring. The same pros and cons again, often late at night, is the loop.

Your move: Name the fear without arguing with it. Shrink the decision from "my life" to "my next step," and be straight about the few steps that do bind: a deposit you may not get back, a signed contract, an early-decision application, a loan. Sketch the backup plan together once, so the worst case has a shape. Keep the next step small and reversible, write it down, and agree on a check-in date.

Several real people started down one road and ended on another. Read their stories.

Words to try:

Avoid: Guarantees like "you'll love it." Answering the same "are you sure?" over and over. Teasing about last week's plan. Late-night pros-and-cons sessions.

When to bring in someone else: If the worry has spread past this decision, into sleep, friends and the things they used to enjoy, start with your teen's school counselor. The decision can wait. When it's not going smoothly lists the signs.

Worry is running it

You might hear: Trouble picking off a menu or choosing a movie, and asking others to decide small things. Or quiet, tears or snapping whenever the topic comes up, and the email from the school left unopened.

What can be under it: A worried way of deciding that shows up across all kinds of choices, which is separate from being undecided about a career. Or anxiety about this one decision: the process, the not knowing, the committing. Career-counseling researchers describe the across-the-board kind as harder to ease (Gati and Levin, 2014).

How to tell: Has it always been like this, down to small choices? That's a sign of the across-the-board kind. When your teen is mostly themselves until the future comes up, the worry is probably about this decision. If it started after a stretch of pushing, see "Leave me alone".

Your move: Back off the big question, and say what you see without blame. Offer one tiny task, done side by side with an end time, and agree on a calm next date. Don't take over their small decisions, and don't keep answering the same "are you sure?" Let them see you're confident they can handle it, and count each step as progress.

Words to try:

Avoid: Pushing harder, or a deadline on the whole decision. Deciding for them. Round after round of reassurance. Labels like "you're so indecisive." A counselor offered as a consequence.

When to bring in someone else: A school or career counselor, early, as one more person on your teen's side. Let your teen choose who and when. If the worry has spread past this decision, into sleep, friends and the things they used to enjoy, start with your teen's school counselor. The decision can wait. When it's not going smoothly lists the signs.

"You pick"

You might hear: "You decide." "I'll do whatever makes you happy." "I don't want to let you down." Your plan, repeated back in your words.

What can be under it: Trust in your judgment, and that's fine: leaning on a parent went with better adjustment when the teen chose to lean, and worse when they felt pushed (Van Petegem and colleagues, 2012, Belgian teens, everyday decisions, correlational). It can also be a wish not to own a choice that could go wrong, a search for the answer they think you want, or not knowing the options well enough yet.

How to tell: Watch what happens after you give a view. When they push back on parts of it, add reasons of their own and stand by the plan on a rough day, they're leaning on you by choice. Relief when you pick, then "you made me" when it goes wrong, suggests they don't want to be the one blamed. And if they check your face before they answer, they're probably trying to please you.

Your move: Give your view when they ask for it, as one input among others. Then hand back a piece small enough to own today, like which two paths to look at first. If it's true, say once that your love and your help don't depend on which path they pick, and make it clear nobody gets blamed if it goes wrong.

Words to try:

Avoid: Taking the decision "just this once" and keeping it. Refusing to give any view. Asking "but what do you want?" until it feels like a test. Warmer praise when they lean your way.

When to bring in someone else: Another adult your teen trusts can be another sounding board, a place to think out loud without wondering what you'd want to hear. Another sounding board for your teen covers how to ask.

Friends set the pace

You might hear: "I'll just go where my best friend is going." "Everyone already knows what they're doing." A plan that changes when a friend's does.

What can be under it: When they follow a friend, the friend may have found something real, like a program, a cost or a good boss, or a familiar face may matter to them, which is a fair reason. Or the friend's plan is filling the gap where their own preference would go. When they feel behind, there can be shame underneath.

How to tell: Ask what they know about it apart from the friend. Reasons beyond the friend, like the cost or the work itself, mean they're working from real information. No other reasons, and a plan that moves whenever the friend's does, mean they haven't found their own preference yet.

Your move: Don't argue against the friend or the friend's plan. Get curious about what the friend found out, and treat "near a friend" as one of your teen's own yardsticks, weighed in the tool's Compare step, or on paper, next to cost and the rest. Going where a friend goes is a fair reason too. Check that the plan also gives your teen something of their own: a program they'd want, a skill they'd use, a reason to stay if the friend's plans change. When the problem is feeling behind, share the real picture once: in one study of Quebec college students around 17, about half hadn't settled on a career (Guay and colleagues, 2006). Then help them get one try of their own.

Words to try:

Avoid: Running down the friend, or "you're just following." Comparisons with friends or siblings. Using the numbers to say "so there's no rush."

When to bring in someone else: If the shame has spread past this decision, into sleep, friends and the things they used to enjoy, start with your teen's school counselor. The decision can wait. When it's not going smoothly lists the signs.

Staying close

You might hear: "The family needs me." "I should work so I can help with bills." "I just want to stay home." Anything far turned down without a look.

What can be under it: Wanting to stay close is a fair reason on its own. Underneath can be a value they hold, a load they've guessed at that nobody has named, or a real load: daily care, translating, income the family needs.

How to tell: Ask what staying close gives them. Chosen reasons sound like "I like it here." Pressured ones sound like "they'll be upset." For family duty, compare their picture with yours. A real load has named daily tasks nobody else covers, plus strain: tired, grades slipping, missing school, long work hours during the school year.

Your move: Back staying close as a real reason. Tell the truth about what the family needs, separating "we need" from "we'd like." If the load is real, sort it out as the adults instead of leaving it on your teen. Then look at what's near on every path: community college, skilled trades, free job training, paid work, or caring for family as the main focus for now. Distance from home or helping the family can be one of your teen's yardsticks, weighed in the tool's Compare step, or on paper. Before the list is final, look at near and far once, so nothing drops off unseen. Whatever they choose, check that it also moves them forward: a class, a credential, a skill, or money of their own saved toward what comes next. Your teen can help the family and still build something for themselves, and the plan should do both.

Words to try:

Avoid: "Don't worry about us" when it isn't true. Guilt in either direction. Building the budget around their paycheck without saying so.

When to bring in someone else: A heavy caregiving load, like daily care, missed school or exhaustion, is for adults to solve. Start with the school counselor.

Two homes, or two parents who see it differently

You might hear: "Mom says one thing and you say another." "Can you ask Dad?" "I don't want to pick a side."

What can be under it: Two adults who see the path differently, and a teen caught between them. Feeling caught between parents went with worse parent-child relationships, whether or not the parents were divorced (Schrodt, 2025, a review of 26 studies, correlational).

How to tell: Listen for messages. Is your teen carrying words between the adults, being asked what the other parent thinks, or being used as the tiebreaker? Those are the parts to stop.

Your move: Sort it out with the other parent, adult to adult, in whatever way works for you both, and that goes for two parents in one home too. Your teen shouldn't carry messages. Agree between you on what you'll each do next and on the check-in date, and when your teen is around, speak fairly of the other parent's view. Who gets a copy of the plan is your teen's call. If school is on the list and your teen's parents are divorced, or never married and living apart, the FAFSA asks about the parent who gave more than half of your teen's financial support over the last 12 months, which may not be the parent your teen lives with (Federal Student Aid Handbook). If that parent has remarried, the stepparent's information goes on the form too. If you're not sure which parent it is, studentaid.gov's "Who's My FAFSA Parent?" tool walks you through it.

Words to try:

Avoid: "What does your mom think?" Asking your teen to pass something along. Running down the other parent's view in front of them.

When to bring in someone else: If the two of you can't settle it without your teen in the middle, take it to a family counselor, a mediator, or another adult you both trust, so your teen doesn't have to carry it. When it's not going smoothly has more on adults who don't agree.

A path you're worried about

You might hear: "I'm enlisting." "I'm moving to LA to act." "I'm taking the loans and going out of state." The option you least want, said braced for a fight.

What can be under it: A choice they own, built on values you don't share. One that hardened during an argument. A sound plan with gaps in what they know about it. Or a real safety risk: a concrete harm such as fraud, exploitation or coercion.

How to tell: There's no sure way, and arguing makes it harder to see. A plan that firmed up right after a fight, with details that dry up, may be a reaction. One they bring up calmly, with details, that fits what they've said matters to them, is more likely a choice of their own. On safety, ask yourself whether you can name a concrete harm. A path you dislike isn't a safety concern by itself.

Your move: Steady yourself first, then lead with curiosity. Talk about what each of you cares about, cost, time to earning, distance from home, rather than the path's name. Ask before you share your one worry, say it once, then hand the decision back. Check every path's facts the same way, from a source that isn't selling any of them. And before anything gets signed, on any path, read it together.

Words to try:

Avoid: Leading with risks. "Not under my roof." Money that only works for your favorite path, sprung during an argument. If what you can put in really does differ by path, say so once, early, with your reason. Calling a path "unsafe" to win the argument.

When to bring in someone else: For a signature with a close date, like an enlistment contract, a lease or a loan, an adult who isn't selling the path can read it with your teen. If talk at home has frozen, another adult your teen trusts can be another sounding board for them. Another sounding board for your teen covers how to ask, including when that adult has a stake in one path.

An answer nobody's tested

You might hear: "I've known since I was ten." "College, obviously." "I'm going pro." "I'll enlist, like my uncle." "I'll just work for a while." "Gap year." And not much more.

What can be under it: A real interest that hasn't been tested yet. A plan taken from the family without weighing it. A big dream with the route missing. "I'll just work" or "gap year" can be a real plan not yet spelled out, or a decision set aside for later.

How to tell: From the outside, you mostly can't. Watch for steps rather than talk: practice on a schedule, a tryout, a campus visit, a job search that has started. A real work or gap-year plan has a goal, a budget and a first step with a date, the same test you'd put to a college plan.

Your move: Back the plan out loud. Then offer to help them see it up close before money or a signature is on the line: a shadow day, a talk with someone a year in, the actual route and what it costs. Researchers describe looking hard at a choice already made as how people firm it up, or reopen it early (Luyckx and colleagues, 2006, Belgian college students, correlational). A big dream gets planned like a real job: the route, the next checkpoint, a real test of it.

Words to try:

Avoid: "You were ten." Opening with the odds. Jokes about it. Treating "decided" as finished.

When to bring in someone else: The school counselor can help set up a shadow day. Before any money goes out for a dream, check it with someone who isn't selling it. The Federal Trade Commission says honest employers will never ask you to pay to get a job, that real modeling and talent agencies get paid when you get paid, and that it's worth talking to someone you trust before you sign up for a coaching program that promises big income (FTC on job scams, modeling scams and coaching programs). Another adult your teen trusts can be another sounding board for them, and Another sounding board for your teen covers how to ask.

A yes that came too fast, or isn't moving

You might hear: "Fine, I'll just do that." "I'll do it tomorrow," for weeks. "It's fine." A pick made the night before a deadline, or a yes at dinner and a call that never gets made.

What can be under it: A fast yes can be choosing in a panic to make the pressure stop, a yes to end an argument, or plain healthy decisiveness. A stalled yes can be agreeing without owning the plan, a real decision stuck on one confusing form, doubts they haven't said out loud, or too much on their plate.

How to tell: Deciding fast is fine by itself. Did they look first, can they say why in their own words, and does it hold through a rough day? For a stall, have them say the next step out loud. If they can name it and want it, the holdup is logistics. If the plan comes back in your words, check whether it's really theirs.

Your move: Find out which deadline is real and what it locks in. The few steps that bind are the real yes: a deposit you may not get back, a signed contract, an early-decision application, a loan. Before one of those, invite second thoughts and read it together. After it, give the choice a fair run until the check-in. Do the paperwork side by side: forms that need your information are your part, and the choices stay theirs.

Words to try:

Avoid: Using the deadline as a threat. "You made your choice, live with it." "But you said yes." Handing it to a reminder app instead of a person.

When to bring in someone else: Before graduation, the school counselor can help with forms and deadlines. After graduation, ask the college, program or employer. For enlistment, the recruiter is the program's contact, and a teen with doubts can also talk it over with an adult who isn't recruiting them. If planning and starting are hard across many things they care about, ask the school about support.

"Whatever pays the most"

You might hear: "Whatever pays the most." "I just want to make money." Every path ranked by salary and nothing else.

What can be under it: Real money pressure at home, a value they hold, or a stand-in for not knowing yet what else matters to them.

How to tell: Start with what the money would let them do. A concrete answer, like helping at home, no debt or a place of their own, is a real value worth weighing. No answer can mean they haven't found what else matters yet.

Your move: Take money seriously, especially when it's tight at home. Then make pay one yardstick among several, next to the hours, the work itself and the time in training. In the tool, "Making money" can be one of their top values, and their top values become the yardsticks they score paths on. After that, help them see an ordinary day in the job, since pay is only part of what that day feels like.

Words to try:

Avoid: Lecturing that money doesn't matter. In a family where money's tight, that can break trust.

When to bring in someone else: If the pressure is the family's money, see Staying close for the adults' part, and The money question for the numbers.

"That's not for people like us"

You might hear: "College isn't for people like us." "Trades are for kids who can't do school." "We can't afford it, so why bother." "That's a guy job."

What can be under it: A price guess, with no real number checked: in older national data, parents' guesses at college costs ran high (Grodsky and Jones, 2007). A picture of who does what, sometimes because they've never met anyone who did it. Or a firm value, stated with the facts in hand.

How to tell: Try one question: "If it cost what we can afford, would you want to look at it?" A yes means it's the price, so get the number. "No, it's just not me" means it's fit, so help them meet someone like them who does it. A clear no after seeing the real numbers is a decision.

Your move: Separate "can't afford" from "don't want," out loud. Nothing gets crossed off on a guess about cost, pay, entry rules or "people like us." It gets a "?" until a real number, a real person or something your teen checks for themselves answers it. A real number can change the picture. When a large public university guaranteed free tuition to high-achieving, low-income students, without adding any aid, far more of them applied there (Dynarski and colleagues, 2021, randomized).

Words to try:

Avoid: Arguing them into a path. Status talk like "you're better than that." Waving off a real limit. Treating a calculator estimate as a promise.

When to bring in someone else: The school counselor, for real prices, fee waivers, aid and local apprenticeship contacts. Someone who does the work and comes from a place like yours can be another sounding board for your teen, and Another sounding board for your teen covers how to ask.

"I'm not good enough"

You might hear: "I'd never get in." "I'm not a school person." The one application they want, left until the last night. After a no: "I didn't really try anyway."

What can be under it: Rating themselves lower than their grades and results do. A fair read of their skills, paired with a wrong idea of what the path requires. A learning or attention difference nobody has picked up. Holding back effort so a no can be blamed on not trying.

How to tell: Put their words next to the evidence: grades, teacher comments, a practice test. When their words run worse than the evidence, it's confidence. High effort with trouble that stays in specific skills, like reading, math or focus, is a reason to ask the school. Effort that drops only on the thing they want looks like self-protection.

Your move: Arguing about their ability won't help. Offer a private way to find out instead: a practice test, the program's own entry requirements, one trial class. Size the first try so it's likely to go okay, since success at a task is typically the strongest source of confidence at school (Usher and Pajares, 2008, a review, correlational). For the one they want, help with the doing, like a set time to start with you nearby, and try for a few so one no doesn't end it.

Words to try:

Avoid: Blanket reassurance like "you can do anything." "You obviously don't care." "I told you so" after a no. Treating a hands-on path as settling.

When to bring in someone else: For hard work but lasting trouble in specific skills, ask the school about an evaluation while your teen is still in high school. Federal special education rules let a parent request one (34 CFR 300.301). If the "I'm bad at everything" feeling has spread past this decision, into sleep, friends and the things they used to enjoy, start with your teen's school counselor. The decision can wait. When it's not going smoothly lists the signs.

"What's the point?"

You might hear: "There are no good jobs anyway." "AI will take everything." "It's all luck." Every path written off before a look, with real feeling behind it.

What can be under it: Pessimism about work, the process or their own control. Sometimes a belief that luck decides, so effort doesn't matter, and sometimes worrying news they have nothing specific to test against.

How to tell: Arguing back, with reasons, the news and some heat, means they still care, so work with the reasons. A shrug with no reasons and no heat fits The shrug.

Your move: Agree with what's true: nobody can see ten years out. Then shorten the horizon to the next step, and move the talk from "the economy" to specific work and specific people. Each path gets a "?" for what's changing in it, for someone who does the work to answer.

Words to try:

Avoid: Arguing it away with statistics. Your own predictions about AI or the economy. Doom-scrolling together.

When to bring in someone else: If the hopelessness has spread past this decision, into sleep, friends and the things they used to enjoy, start with your teen's school counselor. The decision can wait. When it's not going smoothly lists the signs.

"My plan fell through"

You might hear: "I didn't get in." "I got cut." "They went with someone else." No apprenticeship offer, no spot on the team, a no from the one they wanted.

What can be under it: The loss of a goal they held, sometimes with part of who they are tied to it, and the question of when to aim again.

How to tell: This is different from fear before choosing (see Afraid of picking wrong). Watch whether they're grieving and still talking, or pulling away from everything for weeks.

Your move: Name the loss and let it be real for a few days, with no plan-B talk that night. Keep your warmth where it was before the news. Then ask what the first plan was giving them, the work, the people, the place or the pride, and look among the paths still open for one that keeps some of it. Help them take up one goal soon. In a German study of teens not headed to college, staying engaged with a career goal went with better mood, and the link didn't depend on landing an apprenticeship (Haase and colleagues, 2008, correlational).

Read the stories of people who changed course. Some of them had a plan end.

Words to try:

Avoid: "I told you so." "Everything happens for a reason." Pushing the backup plan the same night.

When to bring in someone else: With a deadline still running, the school counselor can help find what's still open. If the pulling away has spread past this decision, into sleep, friends and the things they used to enjoy, start with your teen's school counselor. The decision can wait. When it's not going smoothly lists the signs.

What it can and can't do

No study tests these parent moves on this decision. Each one is built from nearby evidence: studies of school motivation, college-access trials, counseling research and lab work with adults, much of it from outside the US or done with college students. Most of the strong trials measured college outcomes, so little of it tests these moves for the trades, apprenticeships, the military, service years or paid work. No study shows a parent can tell these situations apart from the outside either, so treat each "How to tell" as a first guess to check with your teen. The teen words are examples we wrote to help you find your place, and none of them comes from a study. If a move isn't helping after a few weeks, try a nearby entry, or bring in someone from that entry's last line.

Where these facts come from (26 sources)

Every figure is dated and linked so you can check it at the source. Last reviewed October 2026.

  1. Guay, Ratelle, Senécal, Larose and Deschênes (2006), Distinguishing developmental from chronic career indecision, Journal of Career Assessment 14(2), 235-251 (Quebec college students, average age 17.7, mostly women; three years)
  2. American Psychological Association (2014), Stress in America: Are teens adopting adults' stress habits? (1,018 US teens aged 13 to 17, surveyed August 2013)
  3. Federal Student Aid, U.S. Department of Education, FAFSA deadlines (2027-28 deadlines; accessed 2026-10-05)
  4. Van Petegem, Soenens, Vansteenkiste and Beyers (2015), Rebels with a cause? Adolescent defiance from the perspective of reactance theory and self-determination theory, Child Development 86(3), 903-918 (1,472 people aged 12 to 21; mostly correlational)
  5. Robichaud, Mageau, Kil, McLaughlin, Comeau and Schumann (2025), Parental apologies as a potential determinant of adolescents' basic psychological needs satisfaction and frustration, Journal of Experimental Child Psychology 254, 106204 (347 French-speaking Canadian teens, average age 16.5; includes an experiment with imagined apologies)
  6. Hoff, Briley, Wee and Rounds (2018), Normative changes in interests from adolescence to adulthood, Psychological Bulletin 144(4), 426-451 (a meta-analysis of 49 long-term studies)
  7. Bond, Carlson and Keeney (2008), Generating objectives: Can decision makers articulate what they want?, Management Science 54(1), 56-70 (business-school students making real choices)
  8. Bettinger, Long, Oreopoulos and Sanbonmatsu (2012), The role of application assistance and information in college decisions: Results from the H&R Block FAFSA experiment, Quarterly Journal of Economics 127(3), 1205-1242 (randomized; low- and moderate-income US families)
  9. U.S. Department of Education, Federal TRIO Programs and GEAR UP (accessed 2026-10-05)
  10. U.S. Department of Labor, American Job Centers and WIOA Youth Formula Program (accessed 2026-10-05)
  11. Tversky and Shafir (1992), Choice under conflict: The dynamics of deferred decision, Psychological Science 3(6), 358-361 (university students; mostly made-up choices)
  12. Bastardi and Shafir (1998), On the pursuit and misuse of useless information, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 75(1), 19-32 (made-up scenarios)
  13. Gati and Levin (2014), Counseling for career decision-making difficulties: Measures and methods, The Career Development Quarterly 62(2), 98-113 (a review by the researchers who built the measures)
  14. Van Petegem, Beyers, Vansteenkiste and Soenens (2012), On the association between adolescent autonomy and psychosocial functioning, Developmental Psychology 48(1), 76-88 (707 Belgian teens; everyday decisions; one point in time)
  15. Schrodt (2025), A meta-analysis of children feeling caught between parents and parent-child relationship quality, Journal of Social and Personal Relationships 43(5), 1570-1590 (26 studies; correlational)
  16. U.S. Department of Education, 2026-2027 Federal Student Aid Handbook, Application and Verification Guide, Chapter 2: Filling out the FAFSA form (accessed 2026-10-05)
  17. Federal Student Aid, Who's My FAFSA Parent? (accessed 2026-10-05)
  18. Luyckx, Goossens and Soenens (2006), A developmental contextual perspective on identity construction in emerging adulthood, Developmental Psychology 42(2), 366-380 (402 Belgian college students; correlational)
  19. Federal Trade Commission, Job scams (March 2023; accessed 2026-10-05)
  20. Federal Trade Commission, Modeling scams (August 2022; accessed 2026-10-05)
  21. Federal Trade Commission, When a business offer or coaching program is a scam (August 2022; accessed 2026-10-05)
  22. Grodsky and Jones (2007), Real and imagined barriers to college entry: Perceptions of cost, Social Science Research 36(2), 745-766 (US parents; 1999 data)
  23. Dynarski, Libassi, Michelmore and Owen (2021), Closing the gap, American Economic Review 111(6), 1721-1756 (randomized; high-achieving, low-income students; one university)
  24. Usher and Pajares (2008), Sources of self-efficacy in school, Review of Educational Research 78(4), 751-796 (a review; correlational)
  25. 34 CFR 300.301, Initial evaluations (IDEA regulations), eCFR (accessed 2026-10-05)
  26. Haase, Heckhausen and Köller (2008), Goal engagement during the school-work transition, Journal of Research on Adolescence 18(4), 671-698 (362 German teens not headed to college; correlational)

General background to help you think it through with your teen. It isn't advice about your own family.

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