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Another sounding board for your teen

Your teen picks another adult they trust and talks with them about what comes after high school, as one more sounding board. If your teen wants your help, you set it up, send the adult a short heads-up, and then step back.

The short version

Ask your teen first who, if anyone, they'd want to talk to. They pick the person, or nobody.

If they name someone and want your help, show your teen a short heads-up for that adult, then send it. Before they talk has one to adapt.

Then step back, and don't ask what they talked about.

A sounding board mostly listens. Your teen thinks out loud, and the adult asks questions and shares their own road, the hard parts too. When your teen asks, the adult can give a frank take, and sometimes the same words land differently coming from someone who isn't you. You're still a sounding board too, and now your teen has one more.

Start with your teen

Ask first: "Is there anyone besides me you'd want to bounce this off?" Your teen picks the person. If the answer is "nobody" or "not now," that's okay. Leave the offer open and bring it up again another time.

If your teen names someone, they can ask, or you can if they'd like you to. You might put it like this: "Would you want to grab lunch with Aunt Dee and hear how she ended up doing what she does? I can set it up, or you can."

Don't pick the person for your teen, and don't set anything up before your teen says yes.

If you're the teen reading this: you pick the person, or nobody, and "not now" is a fair answer. Your parent's part is to set it up if you want them to, show you the message they send first, and then not ask what you talked about. The other adult will tell you at the start what they can't keep to themselves. If you seem down about more than this decision, they'll tell you they noticed, and tell the school counselor. And when a relative asks about next year, you can say, "I'm still figuring it out. I'll tell you when I know."

Who it might be

Someone your teen already knows and trusts. If they can't think of anyone, offer a few names: a grandparent, an aunt or uncle, a coach, a teacher, a boss, a family friend, a youth leader. The school counselor can be that person too. If your teen wants someone to check in with over the coming months, someone likely to stay around is a good bet.

If the adult has a say over your teen right now, like playing time, a grade or work shifts, your teen may hold a few things back. That's fine, and it's one more reason your teen does the picking. Don't pass along plans your teen hasn't shared, like quitting the team or looking at other jobs, to an adult who has that kind of say.

Before they talk

Ask the adult first, and make it easy for them to say no. Tell them what you're hoping for: one conversation, or someone your teen can check in with now and then. Show your teen the message before you send it. Here's one to adapt:

"Maya's working out what comes after high school, and she'd like someone besides me to think it through with. Would you be a sounding board for her? Mostly that means listening and asking what she's thinking about. If she wants it, tell her how you got where you are, the hard parts too. I'm not asking you to steer her toward anything. You don't need to tell me what she says. And if now isn't a good time, just say so."

Two lines to add to whatever you send:

"Please tell her at the start if there's anything you couldn't keep between the two of you."
"If you ever notice she seems flat about more than this, like friends, sleep or things she used to enjoy, tell her you noticed, and tell the school counselor."

Add any of these that fit:

"Please be upfront with her about any stake you have in one path, like a team, a program or a family business."
To a coach: "You may have rules about one-on-one time or texting with players under 18. Work within them, and keep it somewhere ordinary, like after practice or at our kitchen table."
"If you can, offer her one real thing: a morning at your work, or the name of someone who does what she's curious about."

You can also send them the link to What a sounding board does, the next part of this page. Once they're talking, step back and let it be their conversation. Keep helping with rides and scheduling if that's useful, and don't line up more adults unless your teen asks.

What a sounding board does

They listen more than they talk, and they ask questions that leave your teen room to think, like "What's pulling you toward it?"

They share how they got where they are, wrong turns included, and say when that was. A cost or a pay figure from back then is worth checking now. For more roads like that, read the stories of people who changed course.
They ask before giving a frank take. "Want to know what I really think?" comes first. If the answer's yes, they say it plainly, say what your teen could actually do about it, and leave the choice with your teen.
They tell your teen what they notice: when your teen seems most like themselves, what people come to them for, what your teen does well without noticing. A coach or a boss sees your teen in places you don't.

What they notice goes to your teen, firsthand, as one more view to weigh next to yours and their own. You don't need a report on it, and don't send your own message through them either. What they say should be their own view.

Privacy, said plainly

Nobody promises a teen secrecy. Teachers, school staff and, in some states, any adult must report suspected abuse of a minor, and some coaches and sports clubs have rules about one-on-one time with players under 18. So don't ask the other adult to promise your teen that everything stays between them.

Your promise is "I won't ask what you talked about." Then keep it. The other adult names their own limits, at the start and in their own words, the way school counselors are expected to.

One exception to "no report back": if the adult notices your teen seems flat about more than this decision, like friends, sleep or the things they used to enjoy, they tell your teen they noticed, and tell the school counselor. If you notice the same signs yourself, start with your teen's school counselor. The decision can wait. If school's out or your teen has graduated, call the school or district office and ask who can help over the break, or reach another trained professional you trust. When it's not going smoothly lists the signs and what to tell the counselor.

If your teen tells another adult things they haven't told you, that isn't a verdict on you.

When an adult has a stake

Some adults care which path your teen picks: an uncle who'd like help in the family shop, a coach with a roster spot in mind, an aunt who'd love to see your teen at the college she went to, a cousin who recruits for the Navy. They're still worth hearing. Ask them to say so up front. You have a stake too, the path you pictured, so say yours out loud as well.

Any adult's facts about cost, pay or getting in get a "?" until a real number or someone doing it now answers it, the same as in the comparing step. Their story is one person's experience, so if your teen wants a fuller picture, a second person on the road they're curious about can add to it.

Family get-togethers

Some relatives ask "So what's the plan?" at every get-together. Before a holiday or a family party, ask your teen: "What are you okay with me telling people about next year?" Then stick to it.

Your teen decides how much the rest of the family is part of this. Relatives can suggest names for a sounding board.
A line your teen can use with relatives: "I'm still figuring it out. I'll tell you when I know."
If a relative presses, you can step in: "She's working it out. Ask her what she's been into lately."
Don't line up several relatives to say the same thing. When everyone weighs in at once, it starts to feel like a campaign.

If you disagree afterward

If the other adult told your teen something you disagree with, take it up with them, adult to adult and out of earshot. Never make your teen the messenger between you. When it's not going smoothly gives the same rule for two parents who see the path differently. If your teen has two homes, the same goes for every adult in both, and the "Two homes" entry in What you might be hearing has more.

Don't quote them to your teen to win your side of it, as in "Even your uncle thinks..."

If your teen is 18 or 19

They set it up. You can suggest names, or offer an introduction, and nobody gets a heads-up about them without their okay.

Finding someone who does the work

With your teen's okay, ask the adults your teen already trusts, like a teacher, a coach, a boss or a neighbor: "Do you know anyone who does this work who'd talk with her for ten minutes?" You can ask it about welding, nursing, the Coast Guard, a year of service or graphic design.

The school counselor can help too. Go in with one clear question, and ask about every path on your teen's list. Outside school, your local American Job Center can tell you about youth programs and whether your teen qualifies.

What it can and can't do

We found no study that tests a parent setting up another adult for this decision, sending them a heads-up, or holding back from asking afterward. The steps on this page are borrowed from research on mentoring, advice and privacy. We also found no study that tests whether a teen hears the same words differently from an adult who isn't a parent, and none that rules it out, so "sometimes" is as far as this page goes.

Across US studies, young people with a supportive adult in their life besides their parents, relatives included, had somewhat better outcomes, and the closer and more supportive the relationship, the better they tended to do (Van Dam and colleagues, 2018). Those studies can't show the adult caused the difference. In a 2025 national survey, more high schoolers said they trust their parents for career and education advice than any other source, with teachers and other relatives next (Gallup, Walton Family Foundation and Jobs for the Future, 2025; teens reached through their parents), so another adult is one more voice next to yours. Advice that was doable and polite was judged better, and how it was offered mattered about as much as who offered it (Vu and colleagues, 2025; Feng and MacGeorge, 2010; neither studied teens). College students who got a parent's help with their feelings without asking for it rated it less effective than students who had asked, at least when that parent rarely backed their independence (Newman and Davis, 2024). Adults who see a young person in different settings often rate them differently, partly because kids and teens act differently in different places (De Los Reyes and colleagues, 2015, ratings of mental health).

Teens who felt their parents invaded their privacy kept more secrets from them, and those parents knew less about them a year later (Hawk and colleagues, 2013, Dutch teens about 13 at the start). Teachers and school staff are required to report suspected abuse or neglect of a minor in most states (Child Welfare Information Gateway, 2023), and school counselors' ethics code asks them to explain the limits of confidentiality up front (American School Counselor Association, 2022).

A sounding board won't make the decision for your teen. The deciding still happens as your teen tries things out, and at the check-ins.

Where these facts come from (12 sources)

Every source is linked so you can check it yourself. Last reviewed October 2026.

General background to help you think it through with your teen. It isn't advice about your own family.

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